Bahamas Update #27

Who's Kevin? : Well, when I first came down here to work at Dupuch Publications in Nassau, Bahamas, Kevin was one of my fellow ex-pat employees. He had lived for 5 years here in Nassau and he tried to impart a wealth of wisdom upon me so that I would survive here as well. You may remember him from Update #9. Anyway, one thing he told me was (and I paraphrase heavily here): "You'll start noticing cycles dude. Like, at first there will be long stretches of time that you'll DIG living here, and then there will be long stretches of time that you'll just HATE living here. But when the time inbetween those cycles starts getting too short, like one day to the next, you'll know it's time to leave!" Wise words indeed, and needless to say, Kevin went through the same cycles and left Nassau and returned to Canada back in May of 2001.

		Punch Clock - There have been numerous other signs and omens that lead me to believe it's time to leave The Bahamas. Like when they recycled my page 3 girl in the twice-weekly scandal rag that passes for a newspaper here (it's called The Punch and you can read more about it in Update #18). You see I've had this pic, of this particular gal, staring down at me from my office wall since last year, when she ran in the issue that was published on my birthday last May. I have been told that the newspaper just reissues the pictures of these girls, year after year, but I still think it's an omen. And to The Punch's credit they actually gave the gal the same name - Melanie - as they did in the previous year's paper (although she has a very obvious tattoo on her chest that says differently). They even upped her age from 22 to 23, and yes her blurb says she's still a part-time model from Eleuthera, but it's still time for me to go... before she turns 24!

		Vegas bound! But being resigned to leaving means that I'm also going to take every opportunity to have fun before I go. I took one such opportunity last February, and joined my friends Ernie and Debbie (he's Scottish and she's Bahamian) as a guest for their Las Vegas wedding. However, I had no idea how far it was to Nevada from Nassau (about 8 hours), and I had no idea that Vegas in February would be bloody freezing! But it was still a fun trip. I stayed with Ernie & Debbie, and the rest of the wedding party, in a luxury timeshare suite at the Flamingo Hotel where, to my astonishment, I ran into my cousin from Winnipeg in the outdoor jacuzzi. Turns out he and his friends were in Vegas for a work conference and were staying at the same hotel. Absolute coincidence! The wedding itself and the party afterwards was quite charming and I'm happy to report that the couple are now expecting an addition to the family. Congrats!

		Corn-u-copia - I'm pissed that while I was all the way over in Las Vegas I missed the camp sensations Sigfried & Roy (they cancelled the one show I had booked to see), but on a positive note, I did get to try my hand at a few slots, and I spent a lot of time walking the strip past all the famous landmarks (like Circus Circus, Ceasers Palace, The Stardust, Gilley's Bar, New York, New York, and the topless showgirl revue at The Rio), We also set aside one morning to visit the Hoover Dam, which was a pleasant change after the sensory overload of downtown Vegas (where even the corner stores have slots!). I also got to step in as the best man at the wedding, so it's a good thing I had my tuxedo along with me. Meanwhile, my old friend Barb (and her pal Betty Ann) flew down from Toronto and stayed at my beachfront condo while I was away. And I can assure you they were definitely NOT freezing like I was!

		Scooter scare! - After all my mishaps with transport it's no surprise that I should have one or two more catastrophes waiting for me in my final months here. Number one for this year was the 2 weeks that my scooter was "stolen". I had lent it to my friend Niels, and upon returning from my Las Vegas trip, I learned that it had broke down on him while he was riding it out by the airport. He had hid it off to the side of the road and walked home in order to get his truck to go pick it up later, but by the time he came back it was gone. Niels figured it was stolen, but it turns out (as I found out 2 weeks later) it had just been taken into an impound lot by the Airport Security. We had to pay a $50 charge in order to get it back, but when we drove back the next day with a pick-up truck, the gates to the impound lot were wide open and no one was around. So we let Bahamian inefficiency work in our favour, loaded up the scooter, and drove outta there... laughing all the way.

		Last laugh - So why did we spent 2 weeks thinking the scooter was "stolen"? Cuz Niels knows a guy on the police force here (and connections help cut through the inevitable delays), but for 2 weeks we never ever found the cop at home, or sober. No lie! Eventually I just went to the local police myself, and they rightly suggested I check with Airport Security. And speaking of airport security, it looks like during the weeks the US was at war, Bahamian Airport Security was doing a good job with suspicious vehicles in their midst. Turns out the guy who had my car towed from Love Beach over the holidays (see last update) has had his truck towed 3 times in the past few months, and once by Airport Security. They even went as far as detaining him. What goes around comes around, and boy does that guy deserve everything he gets! And I got the last laugh cuz the towing company guy bought my car off me, solving one of my major headaches.

		All Around The World - Life here gets a little predictable, but there's still a few amusing diversions. I go to art exhibits, restaurant openings, menu tastings, happy hours and plenty of parties. Nassau is actually quite a cosmopolitan city, and I'm in a pretty internationally diverse group. Even the parties, like our recent Hawaiian Night, have international themes. My friend Niels (the jello-shot king of Germany) was one of the hosts, and my next-door neighbour Chad (from Seattle) borrowed my pineapple shirt so he could adhere to the Aloha dress code (and it looks like the shirt works better for him than for me). On a local note, I attended the Bahamas Heritage Festival recently, and I caught my friend Paul's uncle playing the accordion with his traditional music band. We also caught this guy, named Sea Breeze, belting out his hit "Cat Island Man". Sounds like it could be my new theme song.

		Globe-trotting - Being in an internationally diverse group also helps keeps my 2nd language muscles flexed. With some of my Teutonic friends we have revived fondue parties (my friend Pamela from Lichtenstein has hosted a few of them), and these are my German immersion nights. Ich can sprechen sehr gut. It amazes me how much German I still remember, considering I only lived in Zurich for a year or so, and that was way back in 1986! Unfortunately my high school French is pretty rusty, so when I get together with my French friends (like Olivier in the pic to the left) for a meal, some talk, and a French film on DVD, I usually have to ask our hostess Marie to turn the subtitles on. I also tried to learn a little Russian during my on and off chess games with the lovely Tatania, from Moscow. However, despite a few checks, there was no mate. I like the cosmopolitan atmosphere of Nassau and it will be sad to leave it all behind. But.... "c'est la vie!"

		Conchy Joe - The Bahamas is made up of over 700 islands and Cays, but it is divided roughly into 17 main island groups. Of these groups I have visited 9 (counting the island I live actually on). The most recent Out Island trip I made was to Andros, which is physically the largest island in The Bahamas. I went with the gang from the running group and we all had a blast! Two of the girls I work with came along (Sherry & Dawn), and a group of us spent one afternoon on boat trip where we got to snorkel in the underwater cave systems known as blue holes. We also explored some blue hole caves in the interior mangrove swamps. The local myth is that some of these blue holes are haunted by underwater monsters, but I sure didn't see any. I also went free-diving in the open ocean, to about 30ft, and caught 2 conchs (pic on the left). Another guy in the group caught a third conch, and our guide Dougie cleaned them out. Yikes, that's a big conch!

		Get outta town - The hotel chef (at the loverly Mangrove Cay Inn) took our aforementioned conchs and made them into a huge conch salad for our group's dinner. Delicious! Andros is also known for some other notorious wildlife besides conch. Mosquitoes are an absolute menace here, as are stinging blackflies known as "doctor flies" (cuz their bite is like a syringe!). But amongst the gentler critters inhabiting the island are freaky land crabs, freaky beach crabs, freaky goats, and freaky spiders (plus the occassional poisonous banana spider). But for the most part, Andros is known for beautiful and secluded shallow water beaches where you can walk out for hundreds of yards before you get your bathing suit wet. Andros also boasts the 3rd largest coral barrier reef in the world, lying not far from it's peaceful shores, but you'll have to wait for my underwater camera shots to be developed before you can see that.

		I've Been Framed - It's amazing how things come full circle. During my first summer here I worked for one afternoon as an extra on a movie shoot that took place in the downtown of Nassau (and got paid $100 for my time). The production was a made-for-TV movie starring Rob Lowe and Sam Neill, entitled Framed, and I was a street extra. Well, guess what...?!! They aired the damn thing the other weekend on the TNT network and myself, my friend Paul, and my other neighbour J.P. all sat down to watch (and videotape) this piece-o-schlock flick that we all had worked on in some way. I didn't even know Paul or J.P. at the time, so we never crossed paths that week, but both of them worked in the prop department and we had a huge chuckle watching their handiwork onscreen. But the best part for me was that I actually made it into the background of one scene. Here's a play by play of my 7 second American network screen debut.

		A Place In The Sun - Now that I'm a movie star I decided I better hang out where the stars hang out. And since I officially resigned from Dupuch Publications Ltd at the beginning of April, but still had a few days holiday owed to me, I took the opportunity to cruise over to a place called Harbour Island. It's a small resort island off the coast of Eleuthera, here in The Bahamas, and my friend Pamela had rented a gorgeous seaside house here for her Easter vacation week (coincidence?... not really!). Harbour Island is a moderately glam pseudo-celebrity holiday hotspot, but I think I was the closest thing to a TV star that week. The residents of Bri'land (that's how they pronounce Harbour Island) take things slow and they mainly use golf carts as island transport as only a few cars are allowed ashore. It's a bit like an episode of The Prisoner. But it does have a nice small-town feel and some amusing landmarks.

		Goin under - But it wasn't all just hammocks and suntan lotion while in Harbour Island. I also took one last opportunity to go scuba diving while in The Bahamas (see pic left) and we went down to about 90 ft. I also went spearfishing off the beach at our rented house, and I managed to spear this beauty of a red snapper. I BBQ'd it that night and man was it delicious! And speaking of food, one can't visit Bri'land at this time of year without trying one of Eleuthera's famous pineapples. And believe me, these are sweeter than any canned Dole-brand delight you've had in the past. Too bad so few are produced every year. As for local wildlife, Harbour Island seems to be rife with roosters that walk around like royalty, and the odd freaky spider too. But don't let that scare you, cuz the beaches here are gorgeous, the sand is pink, and we spent a lovely few days walking Pam's dogs and watching the sun go down and the moon come up.

		Hop in the pick-up y'all - Pamela had to return to Nassau earlier than I did, so I left Harbour Island and joined my friends Niels, Trishka and Paul (along with Trishka's Dad and Izzy the dog) on the mainland of Eleuthera. They were spending the Easter weekend away from Nassau as well. For me it was a chance to see Le Cap one last time, and even though the spearfishing was bad (all Niels caught was this inedible houndfish while I missed every grouper I saw) we still had a great time. We spent one afternoon driving way off the beaten track (after stocking up on supplies at Mr Bones' liquor store) to a beach on the Atlantic coast where wood and other strange things wash up onshore all the time. And Niels being an architect, and Paul being a contractor, they decided to build a hut from found materials to create a little shade. Never underestimate shade in this country! Anyway, it took us all about an hour, and when it was finished we dubbed it Conchy Joe Chateau.

		Au revoir Le Cap - Adios to a loverly little piece of beach and rock. I've been to this island home many times before (see Update #21) but it was great to be back one last time. I may return here one day, but for now this is the last time I can just hop on a $50 ferry from Nassau and wind up here (see pic at left)! Ah well, I said my goodbyes that weekend... but not before Paul and I hopped on the all-terrain dune buggy and zipped over to the north island cliffs where enormous ocean waves break on Eleuthera's Atlantic coast (it's amazing how geographically diverse this island is!). Normally the big waves create little pools (or "hot tubs") in the rock depressions near the base of the cliffs, and when the sun warms these waters, they're just like natural baths. However on this day the sprays were coming up well over the 60- 90 ft rock faces. These powerful waves are beautiful to watch, but absolutely deadly to be swept up in. I'll just look thanks...

		Winding down - Let's see... now that I'm truly leaving, what will I miss the most about The Bahamas? The sun, sea and surf most obviously, but also the great friends that I've made over the past two-and-a-half years. I'll also miss the cool lizards that run around everywhere, the amazing flowers that bloom year round, the hip-hop, dub and reggae that plays in the supermarket (no muzak here), the ebonics of the native populace, the opportunity to swim, sail and snorkel on almost any given weekend, the sound of the ocean waves that I can hear from my balcony, the Sunday afternoon games of Scrabble with my neighbour Paul, the joy of catching and eating my own fresh seafood, evening bonfires on the beach, wet T-shirt contests during Spring Break, the stiff drinks at happy hour, the fine booty Bahamian women, the feel of saltwater on my skin, the bikinis on the beach and, most assuredly, the spectacular tropical sunsets and starry nights.

		Winding up - What will I miss the least?... the potholes, the stray dogs, the barking dogs, the dead dogs on the roadside, the surly service industry people, the sand flies, the high prices (see pic on left), the general inefficiency, the starchy oily food, the bosses I just spent 2-and-a-half years working for, the unreliable mechanics, the weekend bars with the same people in attendance every week, the rush hour traffic jams, the bad drivers, the garbage on the road, the cultural desert, the crappy produce in the supermarket, the small-town gossip, the fact that I live directly in the very noisy airport flightpath, the stifling summer humidity, the guys peddling jet-ski rides, the 15% gratuity automatically added to every restaurant bill despite crappy service, the limited selection of beers in the liquor store, the race problems, the violence, the rising crime, the rip-offs, the corruption, the chaos... (to be continued next update!)

Well, that's it for now. I hope that wasn't too maudlin. But it's all quite sincere. However I am looking forward to returning to Toronto soon (despite the deadly SARS virus) and to all of you on the e-mail list from Hogtown... see ya in a month! But, on a different note, here's a link to make you all jealous. Click here to see the monotonous weather forecasts I bravely put up in this place. What?... hot and sunny AGAIN?!!

over'n'out,